The official website of Melvin L. Clermont.

Since I chose not to work the final day of the Orgill convention because the first two days of it weren’t that spectacular, I figured I’d ride downtown to see if there was any money in it after the Jimmy Buffett concert at the Amway Center. That, along with it being a Saturday night, and because another driver convinced me to give it a whirl, made me go. I don’t usually drive my pedicab downtown unless it’s a special event or if something is going on at the Citrus Bowl. I don’t hang out downtown either so I don’t really know where a lot of the bars and clubs are but I can learn. I wasn’t expecting to make a fortune but I started riding before midnight and only stayed a few hours. The money wasn’t bad and I had a good average to end the night so my time wasn’t wasted.

What was wasted was a lot of people. I saw people wobbling down the street, barely able to stand up. Saw a fight between a group of people where a chick punched a guy in the face. Heard some guys pleading to a cop that a guy pulled a gun on them. Saw some pink puke on Rosalind Avenue too late and ran my pedicab over it along with some horseshit in the LYMMO lanes beforehand. Saw a guy sitting down outside on a chair and a chick bent over a table, riding his dick in front of everyone right there in full view on the sidewalk with cops not even a block away within eyesight of them.

Saw a drunk chick almost get creamed by a bus. Rather than wait to cross the street safely, she just kept on walking, staring right at the bus that was about to smear her dumb ass all over the pavement when her boyfriend yanked her back just in time and gave her a tongue-lashing for her stupidity. He was obviously pissed because he was yelling and cussing at her, pointing out to her what almost happened, and you could hear the frustration in his voice and see it in his body language. Yet she was completely oblivious to all of it. I could tell by looking at him that he was more pissed about even being out with a girl like that. Bar and club chicks don’t appeal to me at all because I’ve seen dumb shit like that play out more times than most people ever will. I learn through observation. I hope he sees the light and starts choosing better girls to date. Even if she was just a fuck, he shouldn’t have to play babysitter. It ain’t worth it. Everyone knows my stance on the subject: I don’t date girls that drink. What he put up with is something I’ll never have to. For some reason, the ability to make good decisions is a trait people tend to overlook, or ignore completely, when choosing a partner. Not me.

A guy and his friend (who was with him but on the phone) asked me for directions to the Bank of America building. We were on Orange Avenue and it was as simple as pointing at the building to let them know where it was. He got upset because his peeps (on the phone) were lost and he had already told them where the building was and how to find it but they were telling him he was wrong when he knew he was right. When I reassured them where the place was and pointed right at the sign on top of the building which anyone anywhere can see if they’re within view of it, he told me that’s what he knew but his friends are drunk idiots who think he doesn’t know what he’s talking about. For him to tell me that in all seriousness, a complete stranger, it’s probably time for him to get some new friends.

Gave a lady a ride to her apartment in Thornton Park. She was drunk, complaining that her life sucks and she hates her husband. Must not be the best marriage on the planet if she’s out getting slammed all by herself while he’s sitting at home. Doesn’t make any sense to get married, especially at her young age, when she still has a party girl spirit. That’s a mistake both of them made together. She doesn’t have her single ways out of her system and he married her the way she is as if she’s gonna change just because she has a ring on her finger. Sorry folks, it doesn’t work like that. People only change for one person: themselves. If you get with someone thinking they’re gonna change anything about themselves just for you, you’re a damn fool. Both of them could save themselves their misery if they recognized that fact before they ruined each others’ lives and tied the knot. Her going out and getting drunk alone don’t solve the problem, either. Clear sign of alcoholism.

A lot of pedicab drivers I usually see on I-Drive and at the convention center were there. A lot of them were surprised to see me. I did ask about where to be, when to be there, what rules to follow, etc, because I know it was gonna be different than what I was used to. I was told to follow the traffic laws more closely than usual because cops were more strict and the driver who told me that was right. I was going against traffic at one point, not thinking anything of it because I’d done it before when riding downtown, including that night, and other drivers were doing it, too. A bicycle cop saw me and nudged me not to do so again. He also warned that technically, pedicabs aren’t allowed on closed roads but they were being lenient with the rules.

I dropped off some people on Church Street in the middle of the street since they were pretty adamant about getting off. Another cop told me to let them off on the side of the street instead of the middle and blocking traffic since the valet parking attendants used the road and needed to make their money. Neither were assholes or anything like that. They were just giving gentle nudges and reminders about what to do and what not to do and I appreciate that since it was new for me to be riding on a regular night. I had a convo a while back with some independent drivers who said that cops got on their case pretty hard sometimes and were assholes to them. I’ve never once had that problem other than in Jacksonville during the Florida/Georgia college football game. Those cops up there can be super strict. Sure, down here, I’ve been redirected by some cops who wanted me to follow traffic flow and they’ve told me better ways to do certain things so that theirs and other people’s jobs are easier. But Jax aside, no cop in Orlando has ever been a prick to me while I was driving my pedicab. What can I say, I’m likable.

If anything, I saw some drivers who could use some pointers on how to make money and where to stage to pickup rides. Why place yourself away from people when you wanna be front and center for them to see you when they walk out of an establishment? In my case, I have 2 big signs on my pedicab to get their attention and to let them know how much the fare is. I do still have to work on giving them a price range beyond saying we just work for tips but I got my rides that night, despite some lulls, and made a very acceptable amount of money considering the amount of hours I worked. Things really picked up when the bars closed so that’s something I’m gonna keep in mind for next time.

A train came through while I was on Church Street and people were getting too close to it for comfort. So close that if an accident happened, there’s no way I could sympathize with them. Certain safety devices are there for a reason and it appears alcohol makes everything look fun, including a train that can turn you into mincemeat. It was ridiculous. It was also a good place to pick up a ride because the crowds waiting to cross the tracks grew larger as more time went by waiting for the train to finish passing. The Parrotheads from the concert were the biggest tippers. It would have helped if some drivers were around when I needed them.

I know where I need to be to get rides. It happened twice where large parties, more than I could take alone, needed rides but no one else was around to help. And I know those other drivers didn’t have passengers. They just weren’t where they needed to be which was in places with high pedestrian traffic where all the other pedicab drivers weren’t. It’s one thing to be where a lot of people are but if there are 5 other pedicabs in the same place and they’re not getting rides either, wouldn’t it make more sense to go where there’s an equivalent amount of people with less pedicabs to compete with? That’s how I play it and I couldn’t give those large parties a ride. One was a party of 6 drunk Parrotheads, 2 of which were overweight guys. Would’ve been too heavy for me to take them all at once to their destination and too risky since they were rowdy drunks. Liability was too high for my taste (which is always something to keep in mind). Separating them into 2 pedicabs would’ve been the solution to that problem and it would’ve been a nice tip, I’ll bet. Another was a group of 8. Another driver did manage to show up and I waved him over but by the time he got there, they decided to walk.

I’m all about the money and sometimes you gotta know when to stay put and when to ride around. I don’t get discouraged easily. It’s all about time and place. When you leave a particular area, that’s when someone needs a ride and someone else just made your money. I’ve had that happen countless times. Pedicab driving is a constant learning experience. My last 2 rides of the night were back to back. A guy eating a sub jumped into my pedicab as a joke but I stopped. He got out. Little did I know that parts of his sandwich managed to get all over my seats and floor when he jumped in like an idiot. I found out when I was at my car, ready to go home.

Before that realization, a group of 3 drunks needed a ride to their car. It was one of the most annoying rides I’ve ever given. They had no clue where they parked. I had to ride them around the same streets multiple times and they went off of landmarks and buildings to remember where they parked. One of them even said that’s why she looks at CSI; so she can recall landmarks to find things. Um, how about remembering the address or intersection where you parked? The name of the parking garage, if any? The establishments next to or in front of the parking garage? People, I can’t say this enough times, whether you’ve been drinking or not: ALWAYS REMEMBER WHERE YOU FUCKING PARKED!

That’s what cameras, email, and texting on cell phones are for. If you know you’re gonna go out to get drunk, and I’ll never understand the fun in that, then take a picture of where you parked. Text or email yourself and your friends info, including a pic if you can, to help find where you parked. Such simple things can’t be that hard to figure out. When you know you’re gonna consume a substance that affects memory, do the smart thing with what’s left of it before you start drinking. I was glad to find their parking garage and get rid of them. I could’ve squeezed them for a bigger tip but I just wanted them gone. Too much of my time was already wasted with them. Then a party of 4 hopped on immediately after they got off. When dropping them off, one chick called me a fool for working for tips. Another chick knew the drill and commented that drunks tip more and better. That’s right, they do. You already know which of those 2 chicks is gonna land a good guy and which one is gonna have relationship problems.

They were my last ride. There were more rides to be had but those knucklehead drunks who were more lost than an old ABC show of the same name annoyed me to the point that I just wanted to leave. I made a good haul already and it was getting late. It was time for me to go but not before picking out lettuce and cheese bits from my pedicab. And my last 2 rides just sat right in it, not telling me a thing. Alcohol. Such a wonderful substance, ain’t it? Alcohol didn’t cause a valet attendant to have a seizure. Yep, I saw that happen on Church Street. I saw some cops pointing and next thing I knew, they were hauling ass towards something. They, along with another person helping the guy who was having the seizure, made a huge mistake by trying to hold him down.

I learned from an incident in my childhood that you never hold down someone having a seizure. You let them shake, rattle, and roll but, if you can, you remove any objects around that could hurt them. No, it wasn’t me who had a seizure. A childhood friend was an epileptic and had a seizure in class. It happened when I was in junior high. Kinda traumatic seeing something like that when you have no idea what the hell is going on at that age. Those images are permanently burned into my brain. The teacher knew what to do and got all the desks out of the way and just let my friend do his thing until he stopped. Then he was carried away by the teacher all the way to the hospital which just happened to be right next to the school. Trauma and heroism all in one shot. I guess the fucked up part about the whole thing is that the valet attendant might lose his job if he didn’t tell his employer about his condition, if he even knew he had it. On top of that, would you wanna risk that happening behind the wheel of your Lamborghini? I think not.